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Missing Mom and wishing I was doing it better

Posted on January 2, 2020 at 2:20 PM

Today this message is for my siblings and I. Lisa, Angela and Ryan....but I hope it resonates with others too.

 

Today is the one year anniversary of our moms passing. She was a teacher who touched so many and one of her great messages was that 'THIS is a Mistake-Making Place. 'Everyone is welcome here.' It was her philosophy in school AND life. Hence, my photo attached.

 

In the week leading up to this anniversary I cannot believe a year has gone by. It feels like only yesterday that mom said to me, 'I am so *embarrassed* that so many people are here visiting me in the hospital... what IF I don't die?!... I'll be so embarrassed...' She actually felt bad that SO many loved ones had gathered to her side...AND I told her... 'Uh, let's go ahead and LIVE.. We can handle a little embarrassment'.

 

We had to handle grief instead. And in this journey of 'Life Without Mom', I have made mistakes. The journey of The First Year After.

 

I have mis-wired my emotional outlets, I have laughed at awkward times, cried at random times and made jokes at the worst times. ❤️I have not stood up when I should have and I have fought with my sisters and brother. I even ran away (for 24 minutes... but it was very real).

 

I have yelled at my husband, howled at the moon, drank excessively, and berated myself for not being stronger. I have felt disappointed in myself for "not doing more" to lift my siblings up, to be there for them, to love them better. And yet, through it all, I know I stumble WITH them.

 

There is no 'hand book' for this (well, there are books... but there is NOT one *specifically* called 'This book is the 823 helpful tips for Kris Fuller, age 42 of Enderby BC, oldest of 4, daughter of Marie on how to Handle her passing with Grace and Perfection". Because THAT is what I wanted. To handle everything perfectly...

 

So I want to remind myself- and anyone who needs to hear it- that THIS is a mistake-making place. And you are not alone. ❤️

 

Love you, mom.

Hugs from Kris 

(NOTE this was written in October on the 1 year anniversay of mom's passing.) 

Categories: You are Fabulous

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